The Good, The Bad and The GUILTY

“So, what next?” I hear myself ask. A mind map of “Whatnexts?” follows. It is only logical. (Cold plain logic IS a LIFESAVER). I always maintained that we are the consequences of our choices. Not just our own, but also of others’. Dad chose to not use protection that one time. Mum chose to stay off contraceptives. Or maybe the protection chose to give way to a plethora of sperms that time. ;) :P. See? We ARE the consequences of choices. Whosoever and whatsoever it may be.

I usually have one of those days, when everything , just plain EVERYTHING, seems wrong. As wrong as manboobs. Right from laughing at the “Joke of the Century” to helping a friend who needs you most. WRONG!!!!! I guess, all of us have to deal with this kind of crap some time. At times, we just pull ourselves away from EVERYTHING and at other times we unleash our wrath on anything or everything within our field of vision. Both suck. I tend to do both. So, it sucks twice as much for me. I need solutions.

Then, I have one of those days, when realization hits me hard in the face. So I have no choice but to look at it. Then I decide that since I’m already on it and that since, I anyway have to face the music. I might as well do it right. The time for retrospection, introspection and every ‘spection’ available, available. So I do it.

One by one, nice and slow, I hold all that I’ve done, all the actions and reactions. I analyse it, break it down and a feeling comes. Not feelings, but just ONE feeling. GUILT. That weird, eerie feeling. The feeling of finally being cornered for all the rights, wrongs and whatnots.

Guilt comes, sooner or later. And with guilt, comes “Guilty Conscience”. All of us have it. Don’t deny it. No, don’t even accept it. It won’t make any difference. I remember telling one of my closest friends that the one type of people who should be annihilated at the earliest are those with a guilty conscience. To that she answered, “Everyone is guilty. How many will you annihilate?”. “Good question” I hear myself say. That thought kinda stuck to me, like a chewing gum sticks to your shoe. On second thoughts, she is right. Everyone IS guilty. Only the guilt is varied. There are some guilty of hurting the ones who matter the most and there are some guilty of choosing to be hurt. Then there are those guilty of running away from the truth and there are some guilty of being just plain honest. Some are guilty of living an “ordinary”, follow-the-herd life. While, some are guilty of being non-conformists, loud, open and totally whacked out! There are some guilty of being guilty, while some are guilty of never feeling guilty. Let us face it (at least amongst ourselves). It is all there. Always.

“What is your guilt, then?” I hear myself again (Aaaaargh! Nosey!) I’ll confess, in all honesty. My greatest guilt is in knowing WHAT everyone else is guilty of. In fact, my greatest guilt is in knowing WHAT everyone, I know is thinking. Right from knowing which friend is THE friend, to who wants to or is trying to hit me where it hurts the most. (no jokes or exaggerations here). My guilt is that I’m a control freak. That I think way too much than normal. That I have an imagination that can someday take me to the gallows. My guilt is that I make my own decisions for only myself (it leaves some queasy and insecure). My guilt is that I see others’ problems more clearly than my own. My sarcasm and honesty are my guilt.

Being so guilty, brings the next thought to mind, which is a little scary. “Will I annihilate the SELF?” A rhetoric question, obviously. I’m not so righteous. I am a little selfish. Guilt. Again. I take my words back. It IS a burden. This is MY burden.

“So what next?” I hear myself. How do I redeem myself. How do I make myself feel better? I do what I usually run away from. Admit it. That I have made mistakes. That I have been wrong or maybe right. That my choices and decisions are mine alone. I admit that I cannot control that over which I have no right. What about those guilty in my eyes or their own? I let them be. Maintain a dignified silence and a well-practiced aloofness. I choose to move on. We all learn our lessons in our own ways. Why should I rubberneck in someone else’ shit? Whom am I to judge or affect unless not provoked. We all have our own reasons and inner monsters that need to be suppressed. And the guilt too. (Let us not forget that!)

I know, the view on the other end of the bridge looks different, maybe better. But we haven’t earned it to get there yet or make an opinion about it. We probably never will. One of human being’s greatest crime has been our ability to affect things around us and be affected by the same. All the same, one of human being’s greatest gift has been the ability to let go. It is all a matter of choice. In spite of my bluntness and sarcasm and evil temperament, forgiveness (or probably, letting go) comes as easily to me as breathing. It may not be the best or the rightest thing to do, but it sure as hell is a lot “less guilty” than our myriad burdens. Plus it also boosts the self worth and ego. I did not know or realize it, till I chose to do so. Having said that, I doubt if the RIGHTness of it all really matters.

“So what next?” I hear myself ask. “Nothing: I answer, feeling a lot more better. (and a lot less ‘GUILTY’) I’m just gonna sit back with my tankard of coffee and enjoy the view. After all, the other end of the bridge always looks different, maybe better! :)